An Honest Craigslist Mattress Ad

by / Thursday, 10 September 2015 / News Category Comedy

Selling a full-size IKEA mattress that is four years old. I've only slept with four guys in this bed, and that's honestly not that many guys. You should feel bad for me! But in my defense, I've only had the bed for the past three years. Before that it was my cousin's, and she gave it to me for free because she also felt bad for me. I've gotten a lot out of this world based on pity alone, and I don't plan to end that streak anytime soon. I mean, come on, I'm a woman!
This is a very nice bed for a lady looking to be a spinster or a guy who is really trying to "just work on himself right now." It's comfortable, but not so comfortable that you'll feel guilty about how well you are sleeping and then spiral into self-awareness of your cushy life and the social injustices of the world. When you travel and spend the night in a hotel, you'll definitely appreciate the quality of the hotel bed and maybe even miss the hotel bed a little bit when you return home and look at your sad fucking IKEA bed and think to yourself, Jesus, how did I get here? Where are all these crumbs coming from?! What do my friends even mean by wanting to "help me help myself?"
Listen, the bed is a little creaky. I think it's the box spring. You'll either be having crazy-loud sex, or teaching your partner how to sex you real gentle-like. That's for you to figure out, along with the rest of your horrible and messy personal, professional and familial life. Please buy this bed and get your goddamn shit together.
Think of this mattress as a stepping stone towards a better version of yourself. I was in your position once–willing to take whatever bed someone was ready to ditch at the curb, accepting the fact that someone else's trash was indeed my treasure. Hey, you have to IKEA before you can West Elm. Buy this bed and you too will grow up. You might even go from being 22 to 24. You could possibly, during the course of owning this bed, get a not-so-entry-level job that's less administrative and slightly more interesting. Maybe, against all odds, you'll find someone who regularly wants to sleep in this awful fucking excuse for a bed with you. I am not kidding, this bed doesn't even have springs. No springs at all. It's just a soft, plush pallet that is generally mattress-shaped.
And then maybe you, too, will be lucky enough to have a roommate who is moving out and pities you so much that he'll sell you his much nicer bed for a super reduced price. That's called moving up in the world. Trust me on that. I'm 25 now.
Looking for $100 but will take more if you have any empathy whatsoever.

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