Comedy

An Honest Craigslist Mattress Ad

Selling a full-size IKEA mattress that is four years old. I've only slept with four guys in this bed, and that's honestly not that many guys. You should feel bad for me! But in my defense, I've only had the bed for the past three years. Before that it was my cousin's, and she gave it to me for free because she also felt bad for me. I've gotten a lot out of this world based on pity alone, and I don't plan to end that streak anytime soon. I mean, come on, I'm a woman!This is a very nice bed for a lady looking to be a spinster or a guy who is really trying to "just work on himself right now." It's comfortable, but not so comfortable that you'll feel guilty about how well you are sleeping and then spiral into self-awareness of your cushy life and the social injustices of the world. When you travel and spend the night in a hotel, you'll definitely appreciate the quality of the hotel bed and maybe even miss the hotel bed a little bit when you return home and look at your sad fucking IKEA bed and think to yourself, Jesus, how did I get here? Where are all these crumbs coming from?! What do my friends even mean by wanting to "help me help myself?" Listen, the bed is a little creaky. I think it's the box spring. You'll either be having crazy-loud sex, or teaching your partner how to sex you real gentle-like. That's for you to figure out, along with the rest of your horrible and messy personal, professional and familial life. Please buy this bed and get your goddamn shit together. Think of this mattress as a stepping stone towards a better version of yourself. I was in your position once–willing to take whatever bed someone was ready to ditch at the curb, accepting the fact that someone else's trash was indeed my treasure. Hey, you have to IKEA before you can West Elm. Buy this bed and you too will grow up. You might even go from being 22 to 24. You could possibly, during the course of owning this bed, get a not-so-entry-level job that's less administrative and slightly more interesting. Maybe, against all odds, you'll find someone who regularly wants to sleep in this awful fucking excuse for a bed with you. I am not kidding, this bed doesn't even have springs. No springs at all. It's just a soft, plush pallet that is generally mattress-shaped. And then maybe you, too, will be lucky enough to have a roommate who is moving out and pities you so much that he'll sell you his much nicer bed for a super reduced price. That's called moving up in the world. Trust me on that. I'm 25 now.Looking for $100 but will take more if you have any empathy whatsoever. — This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Funny Or Die’s ‘Mexican Donald Trump’ Has Way Bigger Cojones

Mexican Donald Trump with George Lopez from Adam "Ghost Panther" McKayDonaldo Trumpez, the Mexican Donald Trump played by George Lopez in this Funny Or Die sketch, has big plans to make Mexico great again. Namely, keep American tourists out by building a wall."They're not sending their best," Trumpez says, echoing words that should sound familiar to those following Trump's anti-immigration comments on the presidential campaign trail.Trumpez points out that Americans there serve watered-down tequila at poorly named Mexican restaurants — and who wants that? So if you're thinking of visiting south of the border if he's elected president of Mexico, you can probably count on him saying no way, José.– This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

The Worst Things About Weddings, According To This Drunk Dude

Weddings, for however lovely and fun-filled they can be, do have some seriously crappy drawbacks that deserved to be acknowledged. And who better to bring those to light than professional complainer (and BuzzFeed staffer) Matt Bellassai. In this week's installment of his video series Whine About It, he goes on a five-minute rant about the worst aspects of weddings, while simultaneously downing a big ol' glass of red wine."Why do I even have to give you a gift?" he says in the video. "Buy your own damn microwave. Nobody bought me a microwave when I moved in by myself and all I could afford were those tiny cups of Easy Mac."During his comical tirade, he also touches on topics like the high cost of attending weddings, not getting a plus-one, long-winded ceremonies and speeches and a lack of hot bachelors. And, of course, the most egregious wedding failure of all: the dreaded cash bar. Watch him spout some hilarious, curmudgeonly truths in the video above. Also on HuffPost: — This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

The Total Chaos That Is Parenting, In 8 Hilarious Photos

Months after her hilarious and all-too-real "Mom Life" photo series went viral, photographer Anna Angenend continues to create images that showcase the messy side of parenting.As with the first series, most of the new "Mom Life" shots feature Angenend and her daughter Mia, who is one month shy of her third birthday. True to theme, the photos still "acknowledge the reality of parenthood," the photographer told The Huffington Post, adding, "Social media is infamous for highlighting all the perfections in life, even if they are extremely rare, fake or posed.""Isn't it nice to be reminded that almost nobody's life is perfect, despite what their Facebook feed claims?" she continued. "There is a good chance that at least one of your mom friends left the house with a giant peanut butter smear on their pants today." The mom said her toddler loves participating in the photo shoots and is now trying her hand at directing the setups and making creative suggestions. "Going viral has not changed her life at all, except a few of her playmates are wondering when they will be on TV, 'like Mia,'" Angenend added.Though Mia is leaving her "terrible twos," the photographer said she thinks the "threenager" phase will continue to bring chaos. She takes "Mom Life" photos whenever inspiration hits, sometimes as often twice a week or as infrequently as once a month. "I will continue capturing our life together, even if the series evolves into something else," she said. Whatever the future of the series may hold, Angenend above all hopes the photos will make people laugh. "I feel that when life gets out of control, no matter how serious or silly the situation is, if you can find a way to laugh, it will make everything seem a little bit better and give the you strength to keep going," she said. "There is joy all around when you look for it."Also on HuffPost:– This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Who Said it? Donald Trump or NBA Superstar Lebron James? The Answers Will Not Surprise You.

Presidential candidate and former Comedy Central Roastee Donald Trump has made multiple headlines this year for his repetitive racist and fascist-like remarks. His cartoonish rich-guy cliches have lent themselves to multiple satire articles. Some of them are better than others. What we're getting at is that it's harder than we had initially anticipated. Anyways, this is "Who Said It: Donald Trump or Lebron James?" You'll probably get all of these right. They're not that hard. Whatever. Here. Content."I will build the best wall, the biggest, the strongest, not penetrable, they won't be crawling over it, like giving it a little jump and they're over the wall, it will cost us trillions."Answer: Donald TrumpPretty obvious right? Like it would be really weird for Lebron James to take such a radical stance on immigration during his run to 11 NBA All-Star selections. I guess it could feasibly happen, but it would be sort of out of character for him to actively try to appeal to the racist fears of Middle America out of nowhere."You know, God gave me a gift to do other things besides play the game of basketball."Answer: Lebron James.Okay I guess technically Donald Trump could have said this. But realistically, the only time when this quote would make sense coming from him is if someone asked him "Donald, why aren't you a professional basketball player?" Pretty specific question to ask him, given his reasons of notoriety, you know?"Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are little short guys that wear yarmulkes every day."Answer: Donald TrumpAgain, this shouldn't really blow your mind. Lebron James himself is black, so it would be pretty nuts for him to say he's super against black guys counting his money. I can't say that I know he's not an anti-semite, but I feel like he wouldn't generalize all jewish people like that. It'd be pretty fucked up if he did. I mean he's better than that, you know? You should be 3 for 3 right now."The Oscars were a great night for Mexico, and why not – they are ripping off the US more than almost any other nation."Answer: Lebron James. No just kidding it's Trump again.Can you imagine if Lebron James was the same guy, but just really hated Mexicans the same way Trump does? Like, a dominant point forward and NBA champion, but just REALLY fucking cannot stand Mexicans. That'd be so weird. Anyways, yeah, you should have gotten this one right too. Sorry. I wish this quiz could be harder. We just didn't plan it out very well."I love Kobe. I love his competitive nature. I love competing against him. I talked to him before the season just to say it's great to have him back"Answer: Lebron JamesAre we even fucking trying at this point? Yeah, obviously that's a Lebron James quote. Okay well, we warned you. Article is over. Whatever. We tried. — This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

10 Phrases Our Kids Use…and What They Really Mean

We're called parents, but a more accurate title for us is "underpaid translators." Because we need to take what our lying, sometimes petulant children say and convert it to something that's not so easily uncovered — the truth. While I've gotten significantly better at it over the past few years, I won't pretend to be an expert. I still occasionally take what my kids say at face value (crazy, I know) and treat their words with the same respect as I would an adult. But ultimately, I've come to determine that children are salaciously deceptive with their language…like crooked politicians side-stepping the truth. But I won't stand for it any longer. And I'm ready to hold these liars accountable for their actions.With that said, here are some commonly-heard kid phrases and my literal interpretation of what they actually mean…1. "I'm not talking to you ever again!"You'll hear this shouted at you (or one of your other offspring) when kid #1 doesn't get what he wants. Actual meaning: I will not make direct eye contact with you for 45 seconds, at which point I will have completely forgotten about my alleged vow of silence and demand a cup of apple juice.2. "I haven't watched TV in forever!"I hear this all the time. "I haven't [insert kid activity] in forever!" Blah, blah. Actual meaning: I haven't watched TV in about an hour. But since I'm only four, that hour encompasses more of my life than I can logically handle. Please hold me.3. "I hate you."My kids hurl this at me on a daily basis. It used to hurt, but not since I figured out the translation.Actual meaning: I actually don't hate you. I like you just fine, but I can't stand that you aren't letting me ruin your life with my intolerable bullsh*t.4. "I'm not hungry."This one's fairly straightforward.Actual meaning: I'm not hungry for dinner. Totally down for a brownie sundae, though.5. "I saw Superman at the store today!"Substitute any fictional character in Superman's place and you've been there. Kids claim to see things (or people) they really aren't seeing.Actual meaning: I saw some guy in a Superman shirt on the check-out line at Burger King. I tend to jump to conclusions and exaggerate.6. "I'm too old for Elmo."It used to make me sad when I heard this. But now I get it.Actual meaning: Ever since I turned six, I have this pressing need to convince you that I've matured beyond Sesame Street, but really, I will watch it when I don't think you're looking.7. "Michael is my best friend at school."The first time he said something like this, I instantly wanted to call Michael's parents and set up a playdate, like, that night. Then I realized…Actual meaning: Michael and I have met exactly once, for 30 seconds. He does have a cool pair of Avengers sneakers, though, and that's really all that matters to me. In fact, his name might not even be Michael.8. "This is the worst day of my life."Sounds rather catastrophic.Actual meaning: DVR cut off the last two minutes of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I'll live.9. "This is the best day of my life."Sounds rather significant.Actual meaning: I ate ice cream while wearing my favorite shirt. That's pretty much it.10. [Insert anything your child says to you between 12 and 5 in the morning]When my first son was finally old enough to walk to my room in the middle of the night and request goods or services from me, my instinct was to give him what he wanted. Hungry? Have some food. Scared? Jump on in next to mommy and daddy. Years later, I've come to a much different conclusion.Actual meaning: I'm actually fine. I just find great pleasure in ensuring you don't get a decent night's sleep for the rest of your 30s and 40s. But since we're both already up, would you mind grabbing me a glass of water?Feel free to print this out and stash it in your pocket between the hours of 12:00 a.m. and 11:59 p.m. Because that's when most of the BS will come out. You're welcome and happy translating. To continue the conversation and add your own translations, feel free to contact me on Twitter @JoeDeProspero using hashtag #kidlanguage. — This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Nordstrom, Social Media, Me and WTF is Going on?

It was a typical Friday. I woke up to my alarm (which is just the diologue from a Hunger Games scene), looked in the mirror, recited the Gettysburg Address in its entirety (from memory), and was on my way to work. A typical Friday Morning, or so I thought.Just as I was about to get in my limo for work, I noticed a notification alert on this site called Facebook. Little did I know at the time, but this notification would change my life as I know it.If I'm being honest, at first I saw the message and dismissed it. "Oh it's probably just someone trying to get me to listen to their awful mixtape" I thought. "It's probably just my mom sending me some article that vaguely applies to my life" I told myself.I was wrong. I was wrong in the best way possible.I clicked on the "message" icon thus opening up the note. And to my surprise, who was it other than Nordstrom. That's right. Ever heard of 'em? Yeah. No big deal, just the upscale fashion retailer of America and the world talking to me. Actually, every history book you've read is mistaken. The Earth was created in 1901 when Nordstrom first began. Fire? Nordstrom invented it. Airplanes? The Nordstrom Brothers. The lightbulb? Thomas Nordstrom. I mean, you get it. Essentially every significant thing you've ever came into contact with was most likely tied to the Nordstrom family name.But I digress (always wanted to say that)…Here I was. ME. Jon Savitt. Self-proclaimed male model and THE Nordstrom (Facebook account). Was I nervous? Sure. Did I contemplate deleting my Facebook forever and moving to a small unpopulated island where I wouldn't have to look at a single piece of clothing again? Of course. Who wouldn't? But I took a deep breath.You see, since an early age I always knew I was destined for big things. My parents told me "Good job!" on multiple occasions. My teachers would send me in the hallway for "timeouts" which I guess was their way of saying "Take some space, we don't want you getting dumber from the rest of these kids." I just didn't know that I was this important. Call it luck, but I didn't know that I would be the chosen one.But I digress (literally it makes me sound so smart)…I opened the message.(Unfortunately, this is real)Brooke, the angel of Nordstroms' everywhere. Talking to me. I was on cloud 9, maybe even 10, to say the least. And she was so kind. She didn't have to go out of her way to ask if I needed assistance, but she did. That's what Nordstrom does. That's what Nordstrom will always do.Admittedly, I just moved into a new luxurious house if luxurious means cheap and not expensive, and along with paying for groceries, gas, and all the other adult essentials, I wasn't thinking about making any purchases — hence the reason why I asked Brooke if she could give me assistance with life in general.She didn't respond. This made me sad. Wtf Brooke? I started losing the confidence in Nordstrom I once had. I ripped up all of their love letters (that's what we call receipts, it's an inside joke between me and "N"). It's like our relationship meant nothing.Then just when I was losing all hope. Cue, Amanda. CUE THE MOST EPIC PLOT TWIST SINCE FROZEN. I was confused, even shocked. I had so many questions. Where was Brooke? Is this some sick game? Is this Gap on the Nordstrom account? Amanda seemed pleasant enough, though. She could have told me to have an awful, shitty weekend. She could have told me she hopes I have the worst weekend ever. She could have told me she hopes that I'm driving in the car and "Uptown Funk" is being played on every single station. But she didn't. #Amanda4PresidentThis is obvious. I have Nordstrom at my disposal, wanting, no, begging to help me. I'm not just going to NOT ask them for advice. But will she respond? What Does Amanda know about dating. Has she even been on a date before? How old is she? I knew an Amanda back in Kindergarten, she put crayons up her nose and fell off the slide during recess once. Was this her? Is this fate?Amanda. Wise beyond her years. She even hit me up with links. #LinksWait, Matt? Who the Frank Sinatra is Matt?! I started getting frusterated. What kind of establishment are they running. What are Brooke and Amanda doing? Would they start a conversation in real life and then just walk away mid question? Call me old fashioned but seems pretty rude to me. Also, don't forget, Matt.I kept those thoughts in my brain. I'm happy that Matt is here now and I am trying to live in the moment, I feel like that's what Nordstrom would want me to do. So, I take it a little further. I don't want the convo to end, I have dating expert and extrordinaire "Matt" here and I need to take advantage. If you're a musician and lead singer of Fall Out Boy, Patrick Stump is right in front of you, do you just sit in silence? I don't think so.Wow! A local dive bar, dinner and a movie. Hmm I never thought of that. What dating school did Matt go to? I wonder how many classes he had to take in college to major in dating. At this point I felt like I owed the whole Nordstrom family BIG time. Who knows if I ever would have gone on another date again without their eye-opening advice.This is pretty self-explanatory.I fact-checked if "getting to know someone over the jammin adventures of Michael Jordan" is, indeed a once-in-a-lifetime event. He's not lying. …OK this just in. Matt HATED this. I mean, he reallllyyy didn't like that I said that.Um, are Matt and Amanda together? Is that against @Nordstrom policy? CC: Human Resources.Now I was at a classic crossroads situation: Do I pick the love of my life, or do I pick the long-trusted, loyal best friend? I had a lot of thinking to do.Phew. That was a close one. I feel like a weight was lifted off of my (recently worked out) shoulders, however I still can't help but think what it could have been. A life with a Nordstrom employee. We would have it all: Shirts, pants, hell, even hats if we wanted them. Idc.But I decided I couldn't live in the past…Not with Matt sitting anxiously by his computer waiting to help me with all my Nordstrom needs.And so begins the apology.And more…I said what the whole world was thinking.Matt? — This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Here Lies My Thoughts (or: The Sociology of Cemeteries)

I like to take a walk in the morning. It's very relaxing. No music, no audiobooks, no distractions — just me and a dozen or so government drones circling above. Lately, my walks have taken me through a nearby cemetery. I'm not sure what the difference is between cemeteries and graveyards. I think graveyards have zombies. We drive past cemeteries without giving it much thought. "Look to your right, kids! Human corpses!" Eh, but you could say the same thing driving past a law office, a modeling agency, or pretty much any food stand that sells cheap hot dogs. Hence, cemeteries don't have much of an impact. Still, to actually walk through a field of deceased bodies fills one with contemplation. Cemetery sounds a little like the word secretary. Have you ever been to a Secretary Cemetery? Just look for the entitled male bosses overworking and sexually harassing the headstones. Cemetery headstones vary considerably. There are big headstones and little ones. There are fancy, beautiful headstones and plain ones. Some headstones hang out in groups. Other headstones sit alone. Cemeteries are a lot of like high school, except that everyone is in the "goth" clique. Many of the headstones have an image of a football team logo or a fishing pole or some sort of activity or hobby chiseled into the stone. People live for up to one-hundred years old, sometimes even longer. Yet their entire lives can be summed up by a couple of hobbies. I guess it's true what they say; life is short, so stay within your comfort zone. Lately, my hobby is walking through cemeteries and looking at headstones. Hence, when I die, on my headstone, I'll have them chisel a picture of a headstone. Headstones with pictures that sum up a person's life are a recent trend. In the cemetery where I take my walks, only the newer headstones have graphics. The tomb markers with death dates in the early 1900s are pretty empty — usually accompanied by just a name and a birthdate. But if those older headstones summed up the person's entire life, then I'd imagine you'd see a lot of pictures of, oh, I don't know, constant tooth pain? Life was hard back then. On the other hand, everyone's life can be pretty much summed up by their name, when they were born, and when they died. And maybe their horrible high school prom photos. Married couples are often buried together, which is both lovely and sad. Some of the married couples share a headstone, which includes their names, their birth and death dates, and their AshleyMadison user accounts.I pay attention to the death dates of the married couple headstones. Sometimes, a husband and wife die only a few years apart. But sometimes, the gap is wider, with one spouse dying twenty years or more before the other. I guess it's assumed that the living spouse will not find another wife or husband. Or, if they do, then they'll be buried with their initial spouse. Or maybe they'll be buried with their favorite spouse. It's sort of like when the Baseball Hall of Fame has to choose which team's cap a player will wear on his plaque. Legendary slugger Reggie Jackson played more years with the Oakland A's, but he's wearing a New York Yankees cap on his Hall of Fame plaque. He's "known" more for being a Yankee. People should be buried with the spouse they're most known for. Hence, Pamela Anderson should be buried next to Tommy Lee. Sorry, Kid Rick. Cemeteries are quiet and peaceful. Unlike so many other aspects of modern society- like at one's job, for example- people still act respectful when in a cemetery. I hope they never broadcast the MTV Music Awards from a cemetery. Live from Mr. Charles Roger Westchester's Headstone (1879- 1952), it's Miley Cyrus! Shit's 'bout to get nasty! Some things should stay dignified. Sometimes when I'm walking through the cemetery, I pass the same friendly man walking his dog. I wonder if dogs are aware of the cemetery concept. Do they know they're walking above human remains? I think it might freak them out. Although a dog park combined with a squirrel cemetery seems like a good fit. Throughout my cemetery walk, I pass several mausoleums, the fancy little forts where wealthy dead people are housed. When I die, I hope God and Elvis don't ask me why I tolerated a society where dead people were kept in expensive little buildings, while thousands of living people remained homeless. I don't really have an answer.Nevertheless, some of the mausoleums are quite impressive, built with beautiful, quality craftsmanship. When I die, I'd prefer a mausoleum over a coffin in the ground. That way, if it turns out I'm not really dead, at least I can spend the rest of my life in a nice little house. I don't think most Americans are properly prepared for the possibility of accidentally being buried alive. As I walk through the cemetery, and I pass by human hands desperately trying to claw out from the ground, hoping for some sort of miracle rescue, I think, "Would it have killed you to spend an extra couple of bucks on a walkie-talkie?" Cemeteries make some people uncomfortable. I guess that's because people don't like to be reminded of death. But cemeteries aren't really about death. War is death. Poverty is death. Improvisational jazz is death. But cemeteries are about the living. I mean, once you're dead, it doesn't matter if your hotel has a Jacuzzi; the deceased don't care on whose couch they crash. Cemeteries are for people like you and me- to honor, to ponder, to appreciate. I don't have much advice to give. But if I could offer you a suggestion while the weather is still pleasant, it would be to take a walk through a cemetery. Simply drive your car to a cemetery in town, park your car, and get out and walk. Don't bring anyone with you. Go solo. Read the names and dates and poems and quotes on the headstones. Literally touch the stones. Graze your fingertips over the words. Nobody will mind. In our modern world of flashing lights and in-your-face opinions and the on-again off-again Blake Shelton Miranda Lambert saga, it's not always easy to find a little inner peace. But this will help. — This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Tiny Hamsters At The Gym Are All The #Fitspo We Need

Finding the motivation to head to the gym is hard — especially if you're a hamster. But then again, when you're walking around naked all day, it seems like you'd want to do at least some cardio on the wheel and maybe squeeze in a little weight training. Now, thanks to a new Discount Supplements health campaign, we've finally been able to capture hamsters in their natural gym habitat. Though their gym is entirely made out of little veggies, it looks like they get some serious working out in. Remember, little guys, only 30 minutes on the treadmill during peak hamsters hours, alright?H/T Bored PandaAlso on HuffPost: — This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

Here Are All The New Emojis Coming Soon To Your iPhone

New emojis are coming to the iPhone. And, yes, there will finally be an emoji of someone flipping the middle finger.As part of a special iOS 9.1 beta upload that became available for developers Wednesday, people got a first look at the slew of new emojis that will soon be available on Apple's devices in the near future, The Next Web reports.After the software update is released to everyone, people will be able to hieroglyphically express themselves by sending emojis of a burrito, a cricket bat, a monkey, a "talk to the hand" symbol and more.Other bizarre emojis include a tongue covered with money, chains and a casket.Apple is set to release the consumer version of iOS 9 on Sept. 16, and version 9.1 will roll out sometime later. This means that Apple products will probably get the new emojis later this fall. Back in June, the Unicode Consortium, the organization that writes the code for emoji designs, said it was planning to release dozens of new emojis that'll be available across different digital platforms. It looks like Apple's going to be the first to get them, with Android, Twitter and Facebook adding them shortly after, according to Hypable.com.For what it's worth, Microsoft actually beat Apple in the middle finger game, implementing a middle finger emoji in Windows 10 this summer.Here's a look at some of the emoji options that will be available in iOS 9.1 — the new ones are mixed in with the old ones, as they'd look once the update hits your phone:– This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.